So... tomorrow... the day after Christmas... I begin a quest. It's a quest that was born out of necessity. I had a contract fall through. As a mostly self-employed dad who depends on contracts to pay the bills, when one fails to deliver.... that means trouble. I'm a single dad... I pay child support every month... But... this problem really hurt. I had a contract that supplied me with about $500 a week. Over the last three weeks.... that contract went bust. Maybe $100 a week at most. I couldn't even buy my kids a Christmas present. Now... I'm forced into a challenge: I need to make $100 a day for the next eight days to pay rent. I have secured a new contract to replace the old one... But... I won't collect that check until mid-January. So... for the next eight days, I will keep you abreast of my progress...My goal in 2018 is to be able to write full time. But before that... I'm going to bust my ascot...Since my unanticipated business mishap also messed up my Christmas, I'm planning my own personal Christmas on Jan. 25, 2018... Hopefully, then, I'll be able to give my kids some presents.
The last few years have been hard. Divorce is never easy. I think that the first two years of my separation were the toughest mentally for me. I believe I am finally reaching a point where my thoughts aren't always destructive. There's a sense of optimism in the future. And while that is a good development for my own mental health, it's an even better one for my children. I may not be a husband anymore... but, I am still a father. This past weekend was a mixed bag. I spent Saturday and Sunday with my youngest daughter. We painted. We cooked. We ran around town as I was making extra money. It was the best. While my time with her was great, I was disappointed because I didn't get to see my son. He's a teenager. He was out with friends all weekend. In a moment of self-absorbed weakness, I sent him a text I shouldn't have where I tried making him feel guilty for not spending time with me. It's a moment upon self-reflection that proves I am still human. I am imperfect. I am still figuring out how to be a dad after divorce. Being a dad is humbling. Humility breeds humility. So, I have to apologize to my son and show him we all make mistakes. We all make bad decisions. But, we need to take responsibility when we do and say we're genuinely sorry. Being vulnerable is hard, but it's showing love to my son.
It's a new year, 2017. And I have realized over the last two weeks what is the one most important thing to remember about being a dad. If you had asked me what is the one most important thing three years ago, 10 years ago, 15 years ago, I probably would have given you a different answer each time.
But now as my oldest goes off to Europe to study abroad, two others are in high school, one is in junior high and the baby girl is still in elementary school, I know what is most important. A little context... My family fractured over the last two years. I don't see my children every day as I used to. Weekends are simply not enough. I have been on vacation over the holidays. My children went back to school. For the first time in far too long I was able to pick them up from school, make them each a cup of hot cocoa after school. Little things... Little moments.... And yet, they had a seismic effect on me. That brings us to the one thing I NOW am dedicated to remembering about being a dad: Those little moments with your children are fleeting. They come and go far too quickly. Make them your first priority. Think about it like this: Do you want the final video of your life filled with footage of you devoting your most important hours, minutes, seconds to a job or other "important tasks"... or to your children?
It's a no-brainer for me. I miss my children. I have restructured my life in 2017 so that I can devote my important moments to them. More in tomorrow's blog post on how I re-organized my life to accomplish my goal of prioritizing those little moments with my kids.
